If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
“The Organization for People with Extremely Minimal yet Annoying Disabilities.” That would be the name of my yet-to-be-founded not for profit organization. As the (sort of) unfortunate recipient of one of the aforementioned disabilities I feel uniquely qualified to understand the many trials and tribulations that my fellow extremely minimally disabled brethren endure on a day to day basis. While most organizations dedicated to the disabled tend to focus on large issues like educating the public or lobbying congress to pass legislation benefiting their cause I feel that the scope for my group should be somewhat smaller. Both due to the fact that it seems natural that those who are minimally disabled should only feel obligated to make a minimal commitment and also because I suffer from extreme procrastination. While that is not technically my disability I feel that it might as well be. It’s probably impacted my life in far worse ways than my actual problem. For instance it seems likely that TOPEMAD is doomed to the same fate as many of my other ideas, which is to say that the effects of a medium to heavy lunch will probably be enough to render it completely forgotten about. And if the lunch itself doesn’t do it in then surely my post-lunch nap would be enough to obliterate it completely from my memory. In fact, that’s the reason TOPEMAD could be such an important organization. Can you imagine having an affiliation dedicated specifically to dealing with the issues that prevented the affiliation from ever existing in the first place? I can’t, in fact it’s making my head hurt just thinking about it but I really do think we’re going to get a lot done if we are able to overcome the minor existential setback of not being able to exist without the existence of a previous, identical organization dedicated solely towards ensuring the existence of the previously aforementioned organization. Actually, that sounds pretty great, I’m going to put it in the mission statement. I’m already getting so much done!
I think this organization could provide a valuable service to many people. For example, I frequently find that I have a lot of disability related complaints throughout the day yet have almost no one to grouse to. We could begin every meeting with a 30 or 40 minute bitch session where I enumerate all of the things I encountered that day that I found annoying. This would be highly beneficial to me as I’d be able to finally get all of these petty annoyances off of my chest and it would be hugely invaluable to everyone else in the group as they’d then have a comprehensive list of all of the things in the world that annoy me, thus making it less likely that one of them would bother me at some future date.
Speaking of dating I think that could potentially be another service that my organization could provide. Because believe it or not it’s been several years since I last had a date of any significance, by which I mean getting anywhere past second base. (First base, of course, being dinner. Second being complaining about the dinner.) Perhaps we could institute some kind of rule whereby every woman who attends a meeting would thereafter be required to go on a date with me. A rule like this would have obvious benefits, such as giving them substantially more information about the things I find perturbing. Also networking. It would be good for networking.
The few people I have discussed this idea with in the past haven’t been incredibly supportive. They had suggestions but sufficed to say I think the real issue is that some people are just a little uncomfortable with the idea of having the Extremely Minimally Disabled empowered in any way. I’m not surprised they feel threatened though. I frequently feel threatened myself… most often by snakes. Snakes, and my mother.
But perhaps that’s something we can discuss later. If you’ll excuse me now I am late for my scheduled lunch. And if that happens then my nap ends up running long and sometimes I just don’t wake up and then before you know it my whole day is shot.
